Self-Care For The Nearsighted

Are purple flowers and fair trade chocolate bars enough? 

Lately, my favorite people have been asking the question: how is your self-care in times of COVID-19 and racism? Well, quite honestly, life has been hard. Some days, I stay in bed longer than necessary. I stay wrapped in the sheets, my eyes squeezed close. I do not want to wake up from the dreams where glasses and contacts are not needed, when there is no violence, no women, especially Black women harmed, threatened by racism, misogyny, and misogynoir. In them, I’m definitely not having the painful headaches or those strange blocks from staring at unfocused objects too long. 

Social distancing from mom. Her facility will resume allowing visitation next week! Outside that is. 

Last year, I broke my eyeglasses and foolishly did not get them repaired. I stopped wearing eye contacts in November. Thus, I have been operating blindly since. Whenever I read, write, paint, and draw, squinting heavily on the detail work, it is not a big deal. I run errands like grocery shopping with a blurry sensibility. I see no one’s faces unless they are super close to me. Thankfully, I had an appointment two weeks ago, rescheduled from early April. My vision has worsened. Worsened. It was terrible news to receive. Granted, not surprising. The eye doctor even asked, “how are you surviving like this?” 

Still, in times of this crisis, I have mostly stayed put indoors. My self-care is in creativity and reading about the creativity of others— that passion almost stronger than my own. I also have been spending alternate weekends with my five-year-old nephew, a bright boy (must be that Libra spirit) who now has an appreciation for painting and baking. Weeks ago, I walked him down to the pond carrying a wicker basket of lunch. We saw many ducks including a beautiful black one! He wanted to feed them the crusts off his peanut butter and cherry preserves sandwich. Of course the answer was “no!” 

True blue friends are a gem too. I can go days without talking to someone and receive a phone call or text, inquiring on my health, my family (facing many obstacles at once). I was out with my friend (and former co-worker) whose been such a gracious lifesaver. We recently visited Cox Arboretum with her two daughters and four adorable kittens. On top of faltering eyesight, horrendous circumstances can be a lot and the stress is draining (perhaps explains the lack of wanting to get out of bed). When my self-care is not reading books or writing prose beside fragrant candles eating fair trade chocolate, making all kinds of beautiful vegan food, painting various projects, washing my hair to a great playlist, and trying to make a decent braid, it is seeing my small, intimate circle (not simultaneously). I do appreciate the other messages, the reaching out. One friend dropped off a huge box of toys and books for my nephew (then days later delivered a gorgeous futon). Just yesterday, I was feeling very depleted and a friend shared a special post, a drawing he sketched of me, of me at the pond. I felt a surge of gratitude and happiness coming through. It is not the gift that matters, it is the knowing that people care about you, about your entire self. That “I was thinking about you today” really means so much right now. I thought saying “thank you” was not enough, but it is. It is. Saying “thank you” to your family, your friends for being there is enough. 

Sketch of me started by brilliant Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania based artist Kenneth Nicholson. 

So in a few days, I try out new glasses and then see the world clearly. Until then, I remain finding delight in the precious things that make me and the ones I love happy in the midst of life’s challenges, big or small.